Fits and Start

They say that most people quit their blogging sooner rather than later and so it has been a goal of mine since I began these blogs to never quit. I'm not a quitter. A slow bloomer, a slow and steady wins the race, a never say die, certainly that I am. But a quitter? Never.

I  know there is another pace of life. There are those who are driven and push through despite their health needs or  family needs or personal desires for something other, but I cannot keep that pace.

It used to be I would quote this quote that I thought most profound. It goes like this: "There's no such word as the word 'can't'; either you don't know how or you don't want to, and usually it's the latter.

Then in 1991 I got to 'can't'. Full stop. I had so many toxic relationships in my life I couldn't breathe or move or feel any joy or happiness. I'd begun to measure my life in terms of 'doing' instead of 'being'. I needed to be me.

Unfortunately being me wasn't an option because I was serving the needs of so many people who had absolutely empty buckets. No, let me put that another way. Their buckets had holes in them that meant what ever was poured into them quickly leaked out.

I went to this soothsayer in the early eighties when I was taking everyone's advise but my own and she said something about how I was in the middle of a prairie and the wagon was broken and I was completely reconstructing my life.

Now I don't much believe in soothsayers and I only went to that one because this supposedly good Christian pastor friend of mine went to him and said even his mother, who was a Bible Study Fellowship leader, went to her, so I figured it was spiritually safe.

I discarded the past life stuff and re-framed it into her picking up on what was deeper in me I hadn't discovered, but two things stood out. The one I want to share is the one about taking my part a life. I actually just surrendered to God. Following the Holy Spirit, which I was really lousy at when I started to identify the process, I did what I was lead to do.

Last week,  lo and behold, I picked up a book that had seemed revolutionary to me, at one time, about women who please men and the men who take advantage of them and it was like some distant irrelevant foreign language that I was so beyond I couldn't remember what it felt like to be in that place when I first read it.

It's been thirty years since I started that process. I've had moments when I was intensely into the change and moments when, because I was just trying to survive, I was doing it unconsciously . But continue I did.

It doesn't matter what culture or society we live in, we need to keep the internal journey progressing. We need to open ourselves up to that process. Distracted as we may be by the logistics and execution of daily life, we need to keep evolving spiritually and emotionally.
That's all for today, I guess. Make more of the day than presents itself to be made.
Love,
Deborah