Life Begins

For weeks before Buddy died ( and I didn't know he was so close to death), the words 'life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies' kept echoing in my brain.

I can be given to such small prophecies.  I remember one time I was working with a young man who had multiple seizures every day and the words 'First Do No Harm' kept coming to me. I argued with the faceless voice that of course I would do no harm to the best of my ability. Within weeks I discovered there was a movie about a 'cure' for seizures, the Keto-Genic diet, developed at Johns Hopkins that was called 'First Do No Harm'.  Needless to say I rented the movie as fast as I could get it.

So... in a way I could say I was warned Buddy was passing. But I loved Buddy, the 13 year old Golden Retriever who had only come to my home six years ago, so much I couldn't focus on imminent passing to puppy heaven. I thought I had another year or two at least.

His body shut down way faster than my heart was ready. Last week was a pretty grim week. His passing at 10:10 on Wednesday 2 November was completely sad. I spent three days virtually in bed. I would rise to go do some work and then as soon as I was home again collapse in overwhelming grief. I watched Bolt, Marley and Me, The Bucket List, Must Love Dogs within a twenty four hour period. Then I could tell I was coming out of it because I watched Shirley Valentine and then Eat, Pray, Love. 


Do you see the progression?  I sat down this morning and wrote a list of all I could think of Buddy's qualities and behaviors which had blessed me. And then I started to clean. Life without a constant shadow has put the focus back on 'what am I going to give the world?' instead of just 'what does Buddy need right now?'.  Buddy would expect me to give back big time in the same way he gave love and affection and positive regard to everyone he came in contact with.  I find myself suddenly, really single.

Sure the cats are still here. Boris looked for Buddy for a couple of days. Natasha ( Tasha for short) gave search to a lesser degree. She is still miffed that Buddy would never open the door to the outside for her. She was somehow convinced that he would do so. And they spent those same days I was watching movies curled up on my  tummy and my chest. Tasha still thinks she is the runt of the litter and can fit under my chin.

But as you all know, cats are about their independent business and do not follow you from you to room as if you could not survive safely without their company, or visa versa. They do not bother you unless there is something mysterious going on or .... they have no food.

So I am finding myself filled with the aroma, the residue, the effect of Buddy's constant love and affection and the impulse to live my life as nobly as he did.

I find myself beginning this new chapter with a sense of wonder. While he was alive I had not noticed how Buddy was growing me on the inside and now I find myself filled will all kinds of good abilities and desires that were not there before he came into my life.

I will not replace him.  But in several years, I have been told by a four year old who is my friend for whom I care and who cared deeply for Buddy, I will get another Golden, a girl and I will named her Rose. That's what my friend said.

In the meantime, I will live out all the love and devotion Buddy filled me with , passing it on to my work, my play, my friends and my family.

Thank you God for the blessing of the unexpected Buddy. He changed my life in ways I never knew he could while he was alive.
Love,
Deborah