Monday, June 29, 2015

Returning to my skinny self...

It is significant that I have rewritten the title to this post four times already. If you look at the pictures of myself as a child and a teen, -- and as soon as I can figure out how to upload those here, I will-- you will wonder why on earth I ever thought I was fat and how I got fat. So here's the story....

My mom suffered from, among other things, anxiety disorder. For some reason she thought I was fat. So, when I was put on my first diet when I was in the fifth grade, 800 calories a day, I took on her anxiety about my weight.  Every day since then I have worried about my weight and yo-yo'd right up to twenty five pounds more than my current weight. I am living proof that diets make you fat.

About fifteen years ago, I found a picture of myself when I was in high school at my heaviest. Totally skinny. I mean skinny. Same with college. Yet my mindset was 'fat as a pig' in those days. It was what I was told everyday. I simply had no idea I was skinny.

So now...I'm going to attempt to really lose all the extra weight, which I have to do to get a new hip next year, and I can't diet. I have to only eat healthy. If I diet, I'll gain more weight.

I have to eat as if I weighed 148 pounds. It's been a looooong time coming. Losing weight without dieting is going to be one of the biggest challenges of my life. But if I'm going to live as long and as healthy a life as I desire, it's necessary.

Incentives? Not a lot. I can get pretty clothes at my size. My numbers are good, as they say. I don't like what I look like in pictures, but I'm pretty much leading the life I'll lead when I'm skinny.

I'll probably have to have that skin surgery afterwards and I'll be just as old as I am now:)

The real incentive for me is wanting to feel what being skinny is like. I've never felt that. I want a skinny mind, a skinny consciousness. I want to have the experience I didn't have the first time around.

I lost the first twenty five pounds when I went to a nurse practitioner who showed me how basically I eat really healthy, just need to adjust my mindset and do a bit of portion control. That was shocking to me. But the fat melted off. Now it's time for the rest. It takes so little focus and so little discipline but it does take SOME focus and SOME discipline...

One day at a time,  one meal at a time...I'll keep ya'  posted....
Love,
Deborah