Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Under the Tree

It's only been an hour since she invited me in. "Come under the tree Deborah!"

We have not played with each other since August and she went off to kindergarten. Before that we were almost daily friends from the time she was a baby.

My unspoken hesitations were numerous and well reasoned. I knew they all needed to remain unspoken. This was an invitation born of whimsy, and whimsy was/is the strongest bond between us.

Pulling up the ottoman as close as I could I sat, and then lowered my aging body to the edges of branches that smelled of fresh forest.

The ever favoured monkey pillows were carefully laid underneath. She lay waiting for me. "Come on Deborah, you can do it!"

I lay on my side putting my face fully underneath.

It was , as she had promised, magical. Lights and decorations look more beautiful and iridescent from the underside of the boughs.

"Oh there's the magenta one you told me about , "I exclaimed in genuine awe. It was like looking through the mist of Christmas promise. And there was amber, although she would call it yellow, and blue, and green, and then duplicates of each near her side.

You will be busy the next few weeks. Remember to lay down under the Christmas tree. It will show the reason for the season, the other dimension to which Jesus referred. The bigger picture for which Jesus was born.
Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Winter Views

If you live in the Southern Hemisphere, this is not well timed. But if you are in the Northern half then the trees are finishing their defoliation and everywhere is.... the winter view....

I don't notice how the view disappears in summer until suddenly the water, the neighbor's yard, vast expanses are viewable in more panoramic ways than the lush green of Spring and Summer prevents.

Since winter is historically a great time for reflection and drawing in and thinking quiet warm thoughts = well, after the holidays= it's good to draw the parallel further and wonder what is underneath our industry, our busyness, our 'foliage'.

And how can I write such a profound thought that requires some seated and surrendered contemplation on a day when I am dashing faster than the hours and minutes can pass?

Irony....yet still great Truth...
Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thanksgiving

What a weird Thanksgiving. I'm housesitting in the place I've always referred to as 'my dream house' and have done so enough to not think of it that way anymore. My children are all busy elsewhere and so I'm really kind of alone. And the winds and storms are rolling in with a ferocity that is wearying.

And I am in transition...again...oh my......

Today I looked up a particular set of retirement locations and thought about the glory of living on a fixed income.

Oh wow...this must still be part of that feeling tired thing...that exhaustion I was going through a couple of weeks ago.

Just as weirdly, an odd experience has pulled me out of going to an emotional circle around the drain.

I put on my winter coat and.....oh....my....gosh.....!!! I can zip it all the way up comfortably. I can feel space around my middle when I wear it.   I can wear it when I'm driving and feel comfortable. I can reach for the parking brake release and not have to make sure I'm not sitting on my coat.!!!!

Since last Spring I've been talking about this twenty five pounds I was losing this year and = stunned silence and a moment of pause= I did it.

Dozens of little changes to which I attributed other causes are now clearly because I lost weight!!!!

So I said to friend in knitting, I'm so encouraged I'm going to do more...and she said....
"Why don't you just do the same?"
Is that not the most astoundingly simple good advice? SO that's my goal for this year, to keep doing what I'm doing and lose twenty five more pounds. I'm so excited. What a great way to move into the holiday season.
Thank you ,Thank you ,Thank you, God for the results from many small changes. Ii have learned that small changes make a BIG difference! And so it goes......
Happy Thanksgiving.
Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The End of Exhaustion

It didn't get better. Exhaustion set in on Thursday and by Saturday I was rejoicing that I could move from the couch where I listened to NPR's "Car Talk" and   "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" to the red Ikea chair in the den/crafts room with the big TV and watch "It Happened to Jane" with Doris Day and Jack Lemmon. My muscles simply were not feeling in any way replenished. My spirit felt as if it was held hostage by some supernatural force of the Universe like electromagnetics or maybe the Sun's rays. All I could do was submit and surrender, watch movies from the library, listen to "Prairie Home Companion" and knit, slowly, slower than I ever had. My hands ached from the inside.

I had become worried the day before when I suspected I would 'snap out of it'. No such luck. Had I wrecked myself beyond all measure I wondered?

I had an event to host that I was sponsoring on Sunday and all I could day as Saturday afternoon turned into Saturday evening was pray that on Sunday there would be enough of me on the inside of myself that I could drive the car seven miles into town and fake it for two hours.

Much to my surprise I slept between fitful wakings, returning to sleep right away after I changed position. And without benefit of alarm I rose at 7 and moved about with ease and some lightness in my Spirit. I was able to shower and and prep myself in feminine ways, and moreso, wanted to add the bits of colour and curl that tell the world I have a double xx DNA.

When I returned I could still function without immediately dropping into a dead heap on the couch once more.

Monday was the holiday and I slept until ten against my better judgement. I realized there was something fresh in my Spirit. Perhaps God had allowed me to lay fallow in the only way I would allow that to happen, with everything I had on my plate. As the afternoon wore on, I began to realize I was not going to push it to do chores in a rush that plagued my vision with chaos. I was going to journal. Thus I did for hours, and in between I made a list of what kind of lifestyle I would have to live if I was going to proceed with greater caution and be more measured in my choices of the use of time and talents. I went through my daily schedule, a new one again, changed by a client's variations in their schedule and wrote out a consistant pattern of self care.

And then I reread the entire journal I had in my hand. There are only a few pages left and it has, oddly enough, taken three years to fill it all. I have not been a prolific writer  in said journal. But I did record the highlights that were too important to pass by in time and history unremarkably.

I discovered this last three years had been a time of intense purging of old tired energy that kept the new vision and desires for my life as I responded to God's calling from growing into maturity.

Like 1991 when I had lost my faith for twelve weeks for the first time in my life only to arise one more feeling more fully restored and faith filled than ever, God had pressed me against concentric circles of busyness and had his way with my Spirit. Today, I began in new ways that are more life affirming than ever I have had and will lead to the fulfillment of every called task I have left unfinished or undone.

Sometimes you just have to let God have his way with your Spirit by his Spirit and submit and surrender. Therein is the Joy.
Love,
Deborah

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Exhausted

Today I am tired. So tired I looked up 'healing exhaustion' on the lovely old interweb. I can't stay awake and  the sleep I experience on the couch from which I cannot rise is deep and the dreams are elusive in their meaning.

I've just come off a fourteen day stretch and today a client cancelled giving me an unexpected day off. Thinking I would get lots more done, I fixed myself a lovely bowl of cream of rice with raisins and brown sugar, a pat of butter and a splash of skim milk. I'd already prepared a pot of decaf coffee and sat down with a hot cup enjoying every sip and slurp of both.

Then I walked to the couch and fell asleep again. Hard deep sleep where I woke fitfully only to say to myself I was too tired to move. Hours later I rose and fixed myself a treat of French toast, a variation on an egg sandwich for lunch. Afterwards I sat down on the couch with my daily clipboard and wrote a few notes. Soon enough I had, after googling exhaustion, arranged the pillows so my head once more could drift off 'for just a bit' I told myself.

Now several hours later I have that fatigue still that makes me worry I have something fatal when really I know I just haven't had a chance to sleep properly for more than a week.
Most of the world is as exhausted as I am right now. We learn to push past it, to ignore it, to function despite it. A colleague of mine has written a song proclaiming most of the world's problems could be solved in the majority of people just took a nap or got more sleep.

The sum total of what I've gotten done so far is some strategic 'think' time and a call to the hardware store to find out if I need graphite spray for the front door. ...Oh...and this blog entry.

I'm going to remember today and somehow not do this to myself again. But most likely, in the pursuit of that which keeps the lights on and the car filled with gas, I will in a couple of months again push myself to the point of exhaustion. Not good. Terrible way to treat my body. Conumdrum to parents and executives and the working poor and slaves around the world.

Hmmmmmmm......what to do, what to do....
Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Comfort Food

I did this really exciting daring thing, for me, this past Sunday. Our worship fellowship -- I hesitate to call it a church since we're really an espresso bar/meeting hall that sets up chairs on Sundays for worship-- holds an open mic on the fourth Sunday of every month. For the last couple of times I haven't had anything to share, but I had this idea brewing. Anyway, I had this really exciting week of fun activities this past week, some kids over to make cookies and a meal --two separate occasions-- and a Raffi concert with two of my little friends and a client Mom who drove us and had lunch with us,--and we got to meet him and talk with him one on one afterwards-- and then a chance to play the piano again for a hymn sing for memory care residents at an extended care residency and a blowout concert with several different choirs at the Total Experience Gospel Choir anniversary concert ....

And I really wanted to share that. Plus... I've been thinking a deep thought about how I switch into dating mode again. I've really been thinking a lot about wanting to be partnered with someone.Or do I? or can I? And how do you get to marriage?...again?

And I've been thinking about how old I am, and how time has passed and how I miss my kids all the time.

So, suddenly, this idea I had in the back of my mind for ever such the longest time, to try stand up came pressing forward. I had someone put my name on the list, and I got up, and with only a trail of where I wanted to start and where I wanted to end up, did my thing for five minutes.

AND IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!  How do I know it was successful? Well, for one thing, they laughed, and I felt totally relaxed and it worked and two ladies came up afterwards and asked if we could be friends.

Ever since then I have chastised myself ever so quietly in the back of my heart about being inappropriate and ostracizing myself from some church circles because of things I said.  I know those thoughts and feelings are not coming from God.

Nonetheless, they make me want to run back to my comfort zone of being likeable and affable and not putting myself out there in ways that make others look at me in condemning ways.

There are times for comfort food; times of fellowship and board games, times of rainy day movie watching marathons, times of returning to home, wherever that may be and doing sentimental cultural eating.

We can make our lives like eating comfort food too. But most of the time I believe that we are, even in the most desperate of times, meant to be adventurers.

Right now I am trying to carve out a dependable extension to my earlier life's path. But in that, I have discovered, I am only able to do so when I lean into adventure full force.

Make sure there is adventure in your day today. The Love of Adventure is the only way to find comfort in an uncertain world.
Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Oh Crap

If the wheels of justice grind exceedingly slowly...the wheels of daily life just about fall off the darn car!

This is one of those weeks. I don't have them very often. It always seems to be linked to October. Too much emphasis on the spiritual dark side. All that evil gets excited.

Anyway...so I'm having a downer week and what do you do with that. Well.. I resigned from two committees and that made me feel better. I ate some bad stuff that had sugar that soothed me and then made me feel guilty as could be. Not a good choice, but don't think I would make another one given the circumstances. And I cried a little, a lot. Watched 'The Wedding Date'.

In the end, I decided I have just have to keep busy and let things work out. I'll focus on my business stuff and try to tackle the big problems with pragmatism and just let time pass.

Time and Crap happen to all....sometimes you don't let it be...sometimes... you let it pass.
Love,
Deborah

Friday, September 28, 2012

Eye teeth

This is the silliest most random post ever but I want to record my own 'missing the mark'.  All my life I've wanted those really cool eye teeth that kinda sit up above in the gums fro the four front teeth. I always thought they looked really trendy and with it and sophisticated.  Silly, but I did, do.

So this past week I got some trial head shots back from a photographer. It was a bad hair day and we were mostly trying to find out which angles most reveal the real me. Turns out my right side is my 'good' side.

Anyway they were blown up really big, cropped really tight on my face but not touched up in any way. You can see my freckles. You can see the cap on my front tooth is a different colour, whiter, than the other older genuine teeth. AND it is very clear that I have those really cool eye teeth that sit up above in the gums higher than the four front teeth. I have had what I wanted all my life and never knew it!!!

Hmmmmm.....time to take inventory again......wonder what else I have that I've wanted that I didn't know I had?  Silly Deb, as my client kids say.....

Be of good cheer... you might already have what you want and not be making the most of it.........

Monday, July 16, 2012

Timing is Everything

We all had a good laugh yesterday around a potluck table when we were talking about God's timing. Stating the obvious, that God's timing is not our timing, I responded, "by DECADES!".  It's true.  There's a story in the Old Testament about how Joseph logged almost two decades in jail for crimes he didn't commit. He just got in the way of someone else's bad plan.

I've discovered in my life that following the urge that doesn't pan out is usually reframed when I find out it hasn't panned out immediately. That's the operative word.

The need to be in it for the long haul is overwhelming in this present culture. And yet, those who are classics, those who stand the test of time, those who accomplish a long obedience in a single direction, those who can go the distance, are the ones we admire. We admire them because we know  the core of what they are doing is true and has weight.

So take your time today. Even if your are under deadline, take your time. For example today and tomorrow I have two long luxurious days of writing. My prayer has been for my hours to seem like they are endless. Instead of feeling the speed of those hours as they start out, let me feel the length of them. In the same way that five minutes can seem like an hour as I hit the snooze button over and over again upon waking let me feel the length of each second.

"May your days be long" is a great blessing. "May your seconds be long" is even better. Whatever it is you are trying to accomplish today in this summer season, even if it is difficult, 'may your seconds' be long."

But wait, Deborah, you say....What about hard times?  Well...let me give you another example.
I discovered when I switched sides of the bed to sleep on recently that the railing to the left side of the bed had been put on incorrectly. The installation had left it upside down so that each time I rose off the bed the unfinished edge 'bit' the back of my thigh.  "I'm going to fix this" was my next thought.

In the middle of the project, which I was determined to do myself, there I was with the foot part of the bedrail removed and dangling and the head part stuck fast. I cried out. I sat in that moment of frustration and suddenly it came to me that a. this job was going to take longer than I thought and b. I could unscrew a set of screws on the actual piece and flip it all the same. Mission accomplished? Not quite. I flipped it and then couldn't get the piece back in because it had moved the whole bedstead. Eventually I got it in as best I could and determined that an hour was all the time my schedule allowed for the project. It was forty minutes longer than I thought I would spend. Time for bed.

My point? Even the seconds we are in pain will be better spent if we don't hurry them. It was a good night's rest in bed, not on a too short couch because I put myself in 'not in a hurry' mode.

Enjoy your time today,
Love,
Deborah

Friday, June 8, 2012

the quiet day of contentment

Had an unexpected day off today. One of my clients cancelled and the other had shifted their schedule. Since I rarely get a real traditional Saturday and Sunday, this Found Friday has been a delight. I have puttered between  laundry, dishes, reading and movie watching. The day has seemed endlessly long even after sleeping in a bit.

I'm reading Steve Jobs biography and the luxury of being able to sit down and read a chapter every now and then in a book that is four inches thick was a little bit of heaven. I had been waiting to watch 'National Velvet' for years. The opportunity to fold laundry while experiencing such an excellent classic film set me to thinking about including it in the family film series I sponsor on Vashon Island.

Doing a few more chores and then taking the time to laugh through Dan Ackroyd and John Candy in 'The Great Outdoors' was so good... to laugh big deep laughs over ridiculous situations made me think about looking on Amazon to see if they have the old Second City Series.

In short.. I have enjoyed all the moments of today. Don't get me wrong, I love serving others. A day when I have a break from anyone making demands upon me except inanimate objects that need cleansing or restoration to order is great joy.

I have five minutes on the treadmill and then I'm going to go to bed early to read some more.

What I discovered today was that I am tired, weary, worn out. Having a day when just me can tell me what to do and when and how long and how well is so restorative. I didn't plan this nor would I have arranged the sumptuousness of it given the choice.

But God took good care of me today. Thank you God for spoiling me with a day of wandering through my duties at my own pace, my own  whim, my own thought pattern interrupted only by small pleasures.
God is good...all the time.
Love,
Deborah

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Sloughing it off.....

It just occurred to me this distracted day that seems to have more stutters than starts, the most important question to ask myself today is... how much do I slough off today. What I pay attention to and what I don't is always greatly affected by duties and mood, but what of intentional sloughing?  When I played bridge in college, our little group had this joke where we would try to fake out other players that we had great cards when we actually had junk by repeating thoughtfully, 'What to slough, what to slough?" .  I'm going to fake myself out today and pretend I'm holding great cards and say to myself, "What to slough?"  Sometimes just getting rid of some junk can increase the odds of taking the tricks later in the game.......
Love,
Deborah

Sunday, April 22, 2012

The Place of Hope

It seems impossible that so many months have passed again since I last posted. This was a winter of the final throws of the last part of my second act before the momentous beginning of my third act.

Third act?! How the heck did that happen?  Well, first I lived it, then I reflected on it, and now I'm starting in a new direction. First Act, Second Act, .... Third Act.  The Third Act is living out whatever you have learned and however you have transformed or been transformed.

Intuitively I knew someday the life generated by twenty years of reflection would begin. Practically, it seemed like a pipe dream.

So where is the place of Hope in a very practical , instant world? Hope takes so much effort and time. Well, I have discovered the only place for Hope is in your heart. Remember that verse from Romans 5:3-5 "... and Hope does not disappoint us because it is the Love of Christ poured into our hearts"

Hope has to reside in your heart. It is the foundation for the dream, the idea, the concept, the research, the new information that makes up our pipe dreams. If Hope is in your head, it will fade with argument, impractical and impossible situations that overwhelm, difficulties and obstacles that rest in someone else's hands.

The 'how' of keeping it in your heart is a topic for reflection and quiet. For now, just know that the residence of Hope is an invisible call to be your best self, the self God created you to be. That would be your heart!
Love,
Deborah