The End of Exhaustion

It didn't get better. Exhaustion set in on Thursday and by Saturday I was rejoicing that I could move from the couch where I listened to NPR's "Car Talk" and   "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" to the red Ikea chair in the den/crafts room with the big TV and watch "It Happened to Jane" with Doris Day and Jack Lemmon. My muscles simply were not feeling in any way replenished. My spirit felt as if it was held hostage by some supernatural force of the Universe like electromagnetics or maybe the Sun's rays. All I could do was submit and surrender, watch movies from the library, listen to "Prairie Home Companion" and knit, slowly, slower than I ever had. My hands ached from the inside.

I had become worried the day before when I suspected I would 'snap out of it'. No such luck. Had I wrecked myself beyond all measure I wondered?

I had an event to host that I was sponsoring on Sunday and all I could day as Saturday afternoon turned into Saturday evening was pray that on Sunday there would be enough of me on the inside of myself that I could drive the car seven miles into town and fake it for two hours.

Much to my surprise I slept between fitful wakings, returning to sleep right away after I changed position. And without benefit of alarm I rose at 7 and moved about with ease and some lightness in my Spirit. I was able to shower and and prep myself in feminine ways, and moreso, wanted to add the bits of colour and curl that tell the world I have a double xx DNA.

When I returned I could still function without immediately dropping into a dead heap on the couch once more.

Monday was the holiday and I slept until ten against my better judgement. I realized there was something fresh in my Spirit. Perhaps God had allowed me to lay fallow in the only way I would allow that to happen, with everything I had on my plate. As the afternoon wore on, I began to realize I was not going to push it to do chores in a rush that plagued my vision with chaos. I was going to journal. Thus I did for hours, and in between I made a list of what kind of lifestyle I would have to live if I was going to proceed with greater caution and be more measured in my choices of the use of time and talents. I went through my daily schedule, a new one again, changed by a client's variations in their schedule and wrote out a consistant pattern of self care.

And then I reread the entire journal I had in my hand. There are only a few pages left and it has, oddly enough, taken three years to fill it all. I have not been a prolific writer  in said journal. But I did record the highlights that were too important to pass by in time and history unremarkably.

I discovered this last three years had been a time of intense purging of old tired energy that kept the new vision and desires for my life as I responded to God's calling from growing into maturity.

Like 1991 when I had lost my faith for twelve weeks for the first time in my life only to arise one more feeling more fully restored and faith filled than ever, God had pressed me against concentric circles of busyness and had his way with my Spirit. Today, I began in new ways that are more life affirming than ever I have had and will lead to the fulfillment of every called task I have left unfinished or undone.

Sometimes you just have to let God have his way with your Spirit by his Spirit and submit and surrender. Therein is the Joy.
Love,
Deborah